Counting down to a new year

2011 has been eventful. We watched Collin grow into a talkative three and a half year old spitfire. Mike essentially started a new career, my business continues to do well (knock on wood). Ups and downs, life just happened. Of course the biggest news is that we found out our family will be expanded by one baby boy, come February.

Twenty twelve has a nice ring to it. Sounds futuristic right? It's hard to imagine being a kid in the 80's and thinking one day I'd be working, living, and raising a family in a year so far ahead.

I'm hoping 2012 will bring a healthy baby obviously. That we'll sell our house and say goodbye to garage bands, uber hipsters and gang bangers, and move to a neighborhood where Collin can ride his bike up and down the sidewalk, be around other families and still be within walking (or biking) distance to all the cool stuff we love about the east side of Portland.

It seems like resolutions can fall into the barely attainable category or just end up being utter bs. But there is something about a new year that does compel me to want to make some goals. To get a "fresh start" and know that there's always room for me to grow and learn.

So without further adieu here are my goals for 2012:

1. Continue to grow my photography skills through classes, sharing with others (thank you fellow momtographers on Facebook!) and of course just taking lots of pictures. I plan to do a project 52 which is much more doable than project 365 (fail).

2. Evolve my business to include more training/teaching/something that keeps me refreshed.

3. Get back in shape after baby and train for a half-marathon.

4. Learn from my kiddos, appreciate them and remember to step inside their world.

5. Be a supportive partner and make time for dates and alone time (as hard as that will be with a new baby!).

6. Be stronger. Okay this one is a little vague. I've always been shy and have a hard time with confrontation. I'm at the point of my life where I realize certain patterns I've made from my past and that I need to stand up for myself or distance myself from those people or situations that leave me feeling frustrated, tired and empty. Sometimes the simplest thing is to walk away and realize that life is too short to dwell on things that don't matter in the long run. In plain words, I'm done taking bullshit.

Oh Christmas Tree

While I don't enjoy the feeling of my toes and fingers turning numb once the temperature drops, I do love the holidays. Christmas is especially fun this year because Collin understands the concept of Santa Claus and is excited about everything--the lights, the tree, decorations, snow, presents, and of course he says Santa is bringing him a pirate ship.

Last weekend we went to go pick out a Christmas tree at a farm out in Tualatin (they also have delicious fresh pressed cider and homemade donuts). We got a beautiful Noble Fir and Collin was excited to put the ornaments up and reach to plant the star at the very top of the tree. I love the smell of fresh pine needles and seeing the twinkle of the lights at night. I'm debating putting the wrapped gifts under the tree before Christmas as I'm not sure a little boy could resist trying to get a sneak peak, but we'll see...

Our Christmas agenda consists of finishing up our shopping, baking cookies, driving around in pajamas to look at Christmas lights, visiting Santa and having milk and cookies at the Children's Museum, and hosting Christmas dinner (with help from family!) And of course the holidays give me even more photo opportunities. In case you couldn't tell I've become obsessed with my new hobby and love playing around with my macro lens, experimenting with bokeh and am still trying to achieve that perfect glowy Christmas tree photo.

Meanwhile my ever-expanding stomach is running out of room for baby Milo. He wiggles and sometimes chooses a position that causes me to gasp out in pain. Luckily for the most part I'm still sleeping pretty well and feeling good. Trying not to panic over the fact that he'll most likely be here in about 10 weeks!

The last stretch!

It's official, third trimester has begun. Those last 12 or so weeks when my belly will become enormous and the baby will run out of room. Luckily, it's been a pretty good pregnancy so far. Apart from some contraction scares early on, I haven't had any cause for worry. No sickness, just the usual fatigue. Chasing around Collin and work and everything else is such a distraction that I sometimes forget there's this person growing inside of me. The jabs and somersaults are a good reminder.

Our house is coming along and come spring, when we're up to our elbows in diapers and exhaustion, we're going to list. Hopefully we'll get into a new house by the summer/fall. Nicer neighborhood and more space please! In the meantime, I remind myself that babies don't need a whole lot of room in the first few months. Most likely, baby Milo will just sleep with us but hopefully we can still find a place in our room for the crib. As for a changing area, I still haven't figured that out. It is slightly disappointing I won't get to decorate his nursery.

We've also (well primarily me with Mike's reluctant acquiesce) decided to try the cloth diaper route. Mostly because I was grossed out by the thought of our diapers sitting out for two weeks with Portland's new garbage/compost plan. But I also realized we'd save at least $1,000 and it is nice not to visualize piles of disposables sitting in the landfills. Though the amount of water and energy it apparently takes to wash and dry cloth diapers isn't exactly eco-friendly so they probably cancel each other out...

Regardless, cloth diapers are also colorful, cute and soft. And unlike in the past where pins and folds were a must, you can buy all-in-ones or pockets that are just as easy as disposables. So I have my starter stash and did my research. The poop factor doesn't seem that bad...Ask me again six months after the baby is here how it's going but I'm hoping this works out. I don't really want to throw away $400 from the initial investment so we'll do our best.

We're also trying to prepare Collin for the permanent change in his life by reading him lots of books about a new baby and telling him about all the cool stuff big brothers will be able to do. He goes back and forth between being excited and incredibly sweet (kissing the baby and telling him good night) to wanting to throw the baby away...He also does his obnoxious baby imitation where he crawls on the floor and chants "goo goo ga ga," over and over. Hopefully when Milo comes he'll realize being bigger is much more fun. We'll try to get him involved with helping out and spend as much time as we can with him but I know the most challenging part will be the fatigue factor and how our attention will suddenly be shifted from Collin-only child-center of the universe to needy, helpless baby. Thankfully Mike is taking a few months off and will hopefully have the energy from some Collin-daddy outings.

We're also really hoping this baby's lack of kung fu moves in my belly (he still moves just not like Collin did) might mean he'll be more chill. Please, pretty please. Of course all we really want is a healthy baby, but it'd be just awesome if we could follow the trend of others I know and have a mellow kid after a highly dramatic, energetic one.

Unless of course Collin is the mellow one.

In which case, wine will be my friend.

Trick or Treat

One of the perks of being a parent is reliving fond childhood memories. As a kid, Halloween meant dressing up in a costume (almost always handmade), carrying a pillowcase around the neighborhood and chanting those magical words, "Trick or treat."

At the end of the night my brother and I would dump out our pillowcases of gold, immediately sort the candy into piles, and trade each other for the goods. Occasionally someone would hand out a large candy bar and that was always extra special. In reality, most of the candy ended up getting tossed but that was beside the point. There's something magical about being able to go to a stranger's door once a year while you get oohed and awed over and get a free treat. I still love dressing up. As fun as costume parties for grown-ups are, it is definitely more rewarding to walk along with Collin and watch the look on his face as he opens up his treat bag.

Of course Collin was a pirate this year (and I was a pregnant pirate wench). On Saturday we went to two parties. It doesn't get much cuter than little kids in costumes. I loved all the family themes too. Halloween is a great excuse to express your creativity.

On Halloween, Collin and I headed to my parents for Collin's second year of trick-or-treating. We went with my mom (a Rastafarian, mon) and brother in their neighborhood which is much Halloween friendlier than ours. Collin definitely had more stamina than last year. We went up and down a few blocks while our hands and face went numb in the cold but were thankful it was a clear night. Collin had to be nudged to remember his lines. Sometimes his face went blank as he stood at the door and a stranger remarked on his cuteness. Other times he'd spill out, "Trick or treat," before anyone came to the door. Eventually he got it.

Collin faced his fear and went up to the scary skeleton house with spooky music. Thankfully the freaky guy hanging out on the porch to look like a prop didn't jump up and cause nightmares.

At the end of the night, Collin picked out a lollipop to enjoy and I snatched the bag to stash away a few guilty pleasures while the others met the garbage fate. One neighbor even handed out a large Baby Ruth candy bar, which will be awaiting me in the freezer.

Collin continued to talk about ghosts and skeletons and I'm sure he went to sleep dreaming of the macabre and sweet treats that Halloween offers.

The next day he asked if it was Halloween again and I'm sure in a kid's world, it would happen every weekend. Of course since it's now November, we'll start to see Christmas stuff everywhere so it won't be long before Halloween is a memory and Santa Claus is the next big thing.

Weee

It was a beautiful Fall day and Collin experienced the joy of pumping his legs on the swings and plenty of anti-gravity moves.

Mister Independent

How did this happen?

Just six months ago Collin could barely take his shirt off without getting frustrated. Now he sleeps in a twin bed, wakes up, goes downstairs, gets himself a piece of fruit and navigates the I-pad to watch cartoons on Netflix. (Graciously allowing mom and dad to sleep in a little). And today, he surprised me by getting dressed completely on his own and even picked out an outfit that somewhat matched.

Not a baby. Not a toddler. The chunky little body and long blond curls replaced by a wiry, handsome little boy.

I'm not one of those moms that gets sad as he grows up, rather I'm excited to help my little bird learn to fly. As he gets older, Collin has gotten more interesting and fun.

Truth is, I'm just not a "baby person." Don't get me wrong, those first smiles, coos and chubby legs are irresistible. But I can't help but to imagine all the fun trips and activities we can do as a family as the boys grow up. It's a bit terrifying to think we'll essentially be starting over with a baby in, gasp, about four months. And as much as I'll try to relish the moment and watch our new little one discover all his firsts, I'm excited about the future and all the possibilities.

I will miss the absolute cuteness and randomness of age three. Collin is inquisitive, creative with a limitless imagination and oozing with sweetness. At the same time he can be tyrannical and pushy if you get in his way. All in all, as much as I've whined about how hard my (not mellow) kid can be, I so appreciate his personality and the way he can happily live in a world of make-believe without needing my absolute attention. I'm not worried about Collin making friends or hiding in the shadows. I'm pretty confident this is going to be a kid (and an adult) that goes after what he wants and doesn't wait for things to happen.

Boy oh boy

Milo Averon Hanada

ETA: February 2012!

I'll admit when I found out I was pregnant there were a glimpse of hope I'd have a daughter. I can't bypass the allure of adorable dresses, stockings and pigtails. Mostly, the relationship with my mom is something I treasure and hoped to pass on. There were also fantasies about tea parties, spa days and shared stories and secrets between a mother and daughter. And I can't help feeling a pang of jealousy when I see a little girl Collin's age sitting quiet at a restaurant coloring while our kid bounces off the walls.

And this is it, there will be no "trying" until we get a girl. Unless something crazy happens, this baby is our last.

A part of me mourns for the daughter I'll never have. Yet, when I found out we were having another boy, I wasn't disappointed or sad. With Collin I realize how fun it is to raise a son. Sword fights, pirate fantasies, sticky fingers, and muddy shoes are all a part of life now.

There's also something nice about having kids of the same gender. This may be pure fantasy, but as they get older, they'll probably have more in common than a brother/sister. Hopefully they'll play together, build forts together, wrestle dad together and share a special bond.

I'm sure they'll also try to kill each other.

The pragmatic side of me realizes savings on clothes and toys. Sorry Milo, you'll be getting lots of hand-me-downs.

My mom also tells me that while my brother required a lot more energy as a kid, I was more emotionally draining as I got older and "harder." Boys (and yes I'm doing sweeping generalizations) tend to be boisterous and wild but they're generally less evasive. Speaking from experience here, girls can be two-faced, cliquish and catty.

Still, part of me thinks about the future. About what happens when Collin and his brother pass the little boy phase where crying in public is okay. Boys face expectations made by society. They are expected to act like "men." They might be full of rage or sorrow but hold their feelings in, whereas girls are expected to be more open. Boys are more likely to act like daredevils (there's a reason car insurance is more expensive for teenage boys) and pull stupid stunts and convince themselves they are invincible. I also start to get an anxiety attack as I think about all the issues with public/traditional schools. I don't want my boys to be forced to sit in a classroom with little recess and cuts in PE. I don't want them to be labeled "bad" because they don't want to sit still for hours.

Mike and I will do our best to instill values in our boys, to raise them to respect themselves and others. To be kind and to be true. They'll also have strong female role-models in their life (there will be no equity questions in this family!)

I want my boys to know that as they get older, it's okay to show their feelings, to cry, to be themselves. I want them to know that even when they're way past the holding-their-mom's hand, giving-her-a-big-wet-kiss-in-public phase, I'll be there.