The last stretch!

It's official, third trimester has begun. Those last 12 or so weeks when my belly will become enormous and the baby will run out of room. Luckily, it's been a pretty good pregnancy so far. Apart from some contraction scares early on, I haven't had any cause for worry. No sickness, just the usual fatigue. Chasing around Collin and work and everything else is such a distraction that I sometimes forget there's this person growing inside of me. The jabs and somersaults are a good reminder.

Our house is coming along and come spring, when we're up to our elbows in diapers and exhaustion, we're going to list. Hopefully we'll get into a new house by the summer/fall. Nicer neighborhood and more space please! In the meantime, I remind myself that babies don't need a whole lot of room in the first few months. Most likely, baby Milo will just sleep with us but hopefully we can still find a place in our room for the crib. As for a changing area, I still haven't figured that out. It is slightly disappointing I won't get to decorate his nursery.

We've also (well primarily me with Mike's reluctant acquiesce) decided to try the cloth diaper route. Mostly because I was grossed out by the thought of our diapers sitting out for two weeks with Portland's new garbage/compost plan. But I also realized we'd save at least $1,000 and it is nice not to visualize piles of disposables sitting in the landfills. Though the amount of water and energy it apparently takes to wash and dry cloth diapers isn't exactly eco-friendly so they probably cancel each other out...

Regardless, cloth diapers are also colorful, cute and soft. And unlike in the past where pins and folds were a must, you can buy all-in-ones or pockets that are just as easy as disposables. So I have my starter stash and did my research. The poop factor doesn't seem that bad...Ask me again six months after the baby is here how it's going but I'm hoping this works out. I don't really want to throw away $400 from the initial investment so we'll do our best.

We're also trying to prepare Collin for the permanent change in his life by reading him lots of books about a new baby and telling him about all the cool stuff big brothers will be able to do. He goes back and forth between being excited and incredibly sweet (kissing the baby and telling him good night) to wanting to throw the baby away...He also does his obnoxious baby imitation where he crawls on the floor and chants "goo goo ga ga," over and over. Hopefully when Milo comes he'll realize being bigger is much more fun. We'll try to get him involved with helping out and spend as much time as we can with him but I know the most challenging part will be the fatigue factor and how our attention will suddenly be shifted from Collin-only child-center of the universe to needy, helpless baby. Thankfully Mike is taking a few months off and will hopefully have the energy from some Collin-daddy outings.

We're also really hoping this baby's lack of kung fu moves in my belly (he still moves just not like Collin did) might mean he'll be more chill. Please, pretty please. Of course all we really want is a healthy baby, but it'd be just awesome if we could follow the trend of others I know and have a mellow kid after a highly dramatic, energetic one.

Unless of course Collin is the mellow one.

In which case, wine will be my friend.

Boy oh boy

Milo Averon Hanada

ETA: February 2012!

I'll admit when I found out I was pregnant there were a glimpse of hope I'd have a daughter. I can't bypass the allure of adorable dresses, stockings and pigtails. Mostly, the relationship with my mom is something I treasure and hoped to pass on. There were also fantasies about tea parties, spa days and shared stories and secrets between a mother and daughter. And I can't help feeling a pang of jealousy when I see a little girl Collin's age sitting quiet at a restaurant coloring while our kid bounces off the walls.

And this is it, there will be no "trying" until we get a girl. Unless something crazy happens, this baby is our last.

A part of me mourns for the daughter I'll never have. Yet, when I found out we were having another boy, I wasn't disappointed or sad. With Collin I realize how fun it is to raise a son. Sword fights, pirate fantasies, sticky fingers, and muddy shoes are all a part of life now.

There's also something nice about having kids of the same gender. This may be pure fantasy, but as they get older, they'll probably have more in common than a brother/sister. Hopefully they'll play together, build forts together, wrestle dad together and share a special bond.

I'm sure they'll also try to kill each other.

The pragmatic side of me realizes savings on clothes and toys. Sorry Milo, you'll be getting lots of hand-me-downs.

My mom also tells me that while my brother required a lot more energy as a kid, I was more emotionally draining as I got older and "harder." Boys (and yes I'm doing sweeping generalizations) tend to be boisterous and wild but they're generally less evasive. Speaking from experience here, girls can be two-faced, cliquish and catty.

Still, part of me thinks about the future. About what happens when Collin and his brother pass the little boy phase where crying in public is okay. Boys face expectations made by society. They are expected to act like "men." They might be full of rage or sorrow but hold their feelings in, whereas girls are expected to be more open. Boys are more likely to act like daredevils (there's a reason car insurance is more expensive for teenage boys) and pull stupid stunts and convince themselves they are invincible. I also start to get an anxiety attack as I think about all the issues with public/traditional schools. I don't want my boys to be forced to sit in a classroom with little recess and cuts in PE. I don't want them to be labeled "bad" because they don't want to sit still for hours.

Mike and I will do our best to instill values in our boys, to raise them to respect themselves and others. To be kind and to be true. They'll also have strong female role-models in their life (there will be no equity questions in this family!)

I want my boys to know that as they get older, it's okay to show their feelings, to cry, to be themselves. I want them to know that even when they're way past the holding-their-mom's hand, giving-her-a-big-wet-kiss-in-public phase, I'll be there.

Almost halfway there

Today I'm exactly 18 weeks. The baby is the size of a bell pepper and looks like a miniature newborn according to the iphone app that tells me about my growing belly.

I think it's pretty obvious I look pregnant by now but I definitely get that double check and hesitation to ask, as in is she just guzzling a lot of beer or... Second trimester feels better than the first but I'm still tired. Mainly because Collin has decided to wake up before 6am and then on other mornings my brain is just programmed to wake up early. I'm feeling more and more movement which is definitely my favorite part of pregnancy though it's still pretty sporadic at this point.

Keeping up with aerobic type workouts is getting harder. I've been having these fun Braxton-hicks contractions consistently for the past several weeks (practice contractions where your stomach expands as hard as a rock and feels pretty damn uncomfortable) so the doctor said to take it easy. Figure I'll keep running, just shorter distances with spurts of walking. Another fun thing about pregnancy is as I run my stomach pushes down on my bladder and it feels like I'm going to burst after thirty minutes. But I don't want to give up running until I know it doesn't feel good anymore . When you work so hard to get to the point where five miles is a breeze it kind of sucks to have to start over after pregnancy. I'm hoping my body remembers! I'm also trying to find time for a prenatal swim class and do a pilates DVD a couple times a week.

It may sound like I'm obsessing over exercise but if I don't work out I get stir crazy and mean (just ask Mike)! The voracious appetite is also taking over but I'm trying not to overdo it. No heartburn this time. Luckily most of the stuff I crave is pretty healthy--falafel, fruit, hummus, oatmeal, avocado. Ice cream and sweets don't really interest me. And to be stereotypical peanut butter and pickles are go-to snacks (sometimes together--don't judge).

We get the official word boy or girl in a couple weeks though we're pretty sure there was a penis in view at our last ultrasound and since Mike's genes don't seem capable of carrying anything but males we're expecting a little brother for Collin. I'm hoping maybe this baby will be a little calmer and more cautious than our daredevil but not holding my breath.

The realization has also hit that we're going to have to just deal with two kiddos in this house temporarily and wait until next spring to list. The bedrooms will be a little cramped but I know there are families that deal with way smaller living arrangements so we can't complain too much. Mike won't have to kill himself working to finish the house in the next month and we'll have more money in the bank so hopefully we can go for our dream house as opposed to settling. Right now we could most likely afford a brand new house in the burbs. But we're city dwellers at heart and inevitability we'll probably end up sticking around NE Portland but move to a nicer neighborhood with good schools. It's hard to imagine giving up all the restaurants, shops and quirks of inner-city life. We also have parks around every corner and lots of families. The downside of inner-city life is crime and gang violence are not too far away. And finding a brand new house in this area is almost impossible--I am not someone who romanticizes over the character of older homes but the only new houses around here seem to either be way above our price range or skinny infill lots with no yard. Overall, we're happy here. As long as we find an updated home in a neighborhood that Collin and his sib can play outside without me having to be a hawk it'll be all good.

13 weeks

And I've already got quite the baby bump. Maternity shopping to follow. Please no monster baby. I have a feeling I'll be waddling before my third trimester hits...

Ch-ch-changes

By now, it's no secret that I'm expecting a second baby. Currently I'm in week 12, past most of the exhaustion and overall blahness. Luckily I never got sick but did feel queasy and absolutely fatigued. Collin appeased me most of the time by taking naps with me on my non work days.

I'm excited, but it's different than last time. Last time, I obsessively hunted online for any symptom that seemed strange, I researched each stage of the growing baby's development and had mini freak outs about the huge undertaking ahead of us.

This time I'm a little more relaxed about the whole thing. I still revel in the fact that there is a growing human inside of me and that's just cool. But the mystery isn't as prominent and I just don't have the time to obsess about how my life will be different.

I mean, I work three days a week (or more), am mother to a wild three-year old and also try to fit in photography, cooking/baking, cleaning/household crap, and in the back of my mind am also telling myself I need to start writing for myself again.

To top it off, we're trying to fix up (I should say Mike is fixing) our house as fast as possible so we can get it on the market, sell and buy a new one all before the second baby makes an appearance. Our days consist of this: Mike comes home, works on the house until Collin goes to bed, we may have a brief conversation, but dinner together rarely happens. Weekend hikes, exploring, and enjoying the beautiful Pacific NW summer just isn't happening.

And I know it's temporary. That one day, we'll be in a new house, preferably a NEW house, that doesn't have numerous issues that suck our money and time. And can actually enjoy weekends together. And Collin and his sibling can ride their bikes down the street without me feeling like I have to watch every second.

For now, the baby that's growing inside of me is a passing thought that I'm reminded of when I get annoying braxton-hicks contractions, have to pee every half hour and well second time around, my belly is popping out earlier. Buttons and zippers are starting to feel like corsets and the stretchy pants are a must. I also know once I start feeling the flutters and kicks it will seem more real.

And as the time gets closer, freak-outs will happen. Mostly wondering how my life will be different with two kids. How to make sure Collin still feels loved but at the same time doesn't hurt the baby. How my career will be affected. Daycare. Money. But I have until around February to figure things out. Or to just let things fall where they may and hope it makes sense.

Because one thing I've learned in parenthood is nothing can really prepare you for what's to come.